Toxic masculinity. Hegemonic Masculinity. Machismo. Call it what you may, but ultimately these are words rooted in false identity and looming insecurity. By using these specific words, I may have triggered an idea in your brain of who I am. You may be thinking that I, a female writing on the topic of masculinity, must have some sort of entitlement and have nothing good to say about men. This piece is not an attempt to hate men. I want to express my views on a recurring issue I’ve experienced. I’ve recently found myself in situations where I’m disappointed and disheartened by the supposed vision of what it means to be a “man” in secular culture. I use quotation marks because I’d like to come back to this idea, and explore what scripture says is true about who God created us to imitate. Before we get into that though, these are the questions that must be begged: What is toxic masculinity, why is it sinful, and what should we be doing to prevent it?
I was inspired to write this piece because recently I started working at Starbucks and encountered the weirdest phenomenon; my male coworkers would make fun of other men who would order a Frappuccino or Refresher, saying “why won’t he just man up and get an espresso or even a cappuccino?” Wait, what…? My bewilderment was made apparent right away. I couldn’t really wrap my head around that comment. My initial thought was something along the lines of, “what does that have to do with manliness?” And from then on, every day was a new struggle to watch businessmen walk in with their buddies and get ridiculed for getting a “girly” drink. There’s a specific incident I’ll never forget: I watched as a group of men walked in. The loudest one turned around to his posse, bolstered himself up, and said, “Hey, how much do you want to bet John over here is going to get one of those prissy refresher drinks again?” They all just laughed amongst themselves, not realizing that with the fake laughter that John pushed out, came pain and insecurity. I watched as the happiness slowly crept from this man’s face, and the confidence he held mere seconds before left his body.
Is this what it means to be a man?
To slander and belittle those you say you care about? I immediately thought of the verse Proverbs 27:17, which says, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” I choose to believe that robbing another man’s joy is not what Proverbs means by iron sharpening iron, but rather, meaning to uplift and encourage one another to pursue Christ-likeness of who we are. When I discussed this topic with my brother, he made me aware that this is not a situation unique to Starbucks. It happens way more often than we’re led to believe. This got me thinking about the word I had heard so many times before, but never used myself. Toxic Masculinity.
There is a variety of terms that describe the point that I’m trying to get across here, the most popular on the internet, of course, being Toxic Masculinity. Believe it or not, women did not give this name to men. Rather, this is a term that was coined by men after realizing that the consequences of staying away from emotions are too great to keep ignoring and excusing. Toxic masculinity is not the man-hating idea that it sounds like: the premise is centered around the designation of manhood by a specific group of people as being defined by sex, status, and aggression. Our culture’s standard of manliness says that strength is everything and emotions are a man’s downfall. What this mindset can create is the hardening of the heart, too often leading to mental, physical, and sexual abuse of loved ones. I can’t help but wonder how something created to be so beautiful, such as emotions, can be regarded as a man’s weakness. This shouldn’t keep happening, especially not in Christian circles.
Growing up in a Hispanic household meant that I saw machismo front and center within family, surrounding me everywhere I went. Internally I would question the mental and emotional abuse that I witnessed, but I knew that the answer would always be that men are the breadwinners, this is just the way minority men are, that they would be, as the saying goes: “boys will be boys,” and that God created men with a different purpose than women. And that was that. After many years of witnessing this abuse, I am now inclined to say with confidence that this is a lie. Sure, men are the breadwinners, and the Bible does indeed clarify that men are different than women. That part is not a lie. However, the Bible was never intended to be used as justification for the degradation of men by other men. In fact, the Bible outlines how we, as believers, should encourage one another to be more caring and loving.
Here are some key pieces of scripture that acknowledge how believers should act and act around one another:
Titus 2:6-8 “Likewise, urge the younger men to be self-controlled. Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity, and sound speech that cannot be condemned, so that an opponent may be put to shame, having nothing evil to say about us.” To have integrity is sometimes defined as being whole and undivided. We as Christians should be quick to unite and hold each other up and not make each other small.
1 Corinthians 16:13-14 “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love.” Being a loving man doesn’t compromise your strength, it heightens it.
Genesis 1:26 “Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.”
What are the attributes of God? Love, gentleness, compassion, strength, creativity, anger, humility, and the list goes on and on. To be any of these qualities means to be more Christ-like.
Ultimately, this is what I want to express: To represent qualities that the world ridicules is a good thing. We were never created to resemble the world, but to imitate the One who created us. To be more like the creator is to be more like our intended design. In light of these things, I think it’s O.K. to go ahead and drink that Frappuccino, with whipped cream on top.
I’m a pretty visual person, so here are some videos that give interesting perspectives on masculinity that are really eye-opening:
“Do All Men Think the Same?”
“Latino Men Open Up About Machismo Culture”
“Latino Men Say ‘I Love You’ To Each Other For the First Time”
Rosa is a sophomore at Florida State studying Sociology and French Language. Some of her favorite simple pleasures include making Spotify playlists, an emotionally compelling movie still, the satisfaction that comes with steaming the perfect milk consistency for a latte and talking to people about cosas de la vida. Recently she’s been loving extended time in prayer so that she may learn how to build familial boundaries in a Christ-centered way.